Can I Change Me

CAN I CHANGE ME 

It's so much easier to fantasize

than realize what it takes

I'm not so special as to

be exempt from the required work

I start to wonder if i deserve

all that i expect

change me

can i change me

 

I'm nobody to anybody

i won't be somebody for a while

so I'll be somebody for me

Maybe someday someone will see me

change me

change

change me

 

When i numb myself from every tension

in  time my personality will dim

Clogged and cluttered

trashed and haggard

my soul shut down

to be of value i've got to know myself

i need to be alive

change me

 

My days of aimless thought

add up and fly by

i'm nowhere close to any kind of glory

in my line of work

i can't cheat my way to the top

my road is slow  

but it's right this time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spasm Anthem

SPASM ANTHEM 

On days like these 

it comes surging up 

i've been pacing in my 

cage of rage 

postponed another day 

under a circling brain 

hold it in not now 

they say hide it hold it 

til you go missing 

on days like these

im imploding 

with a grin 

let the layers begin 

this is how you go missing 

maybe one day you'll listen to me 

maybe one day ill make sense 

maybe one day ill realize 

its not all about intellect 

 

Lady

LADY 

I'm so sorry this song took so long

if you've dropped your song

ill help you pick it up

I'm so sorry its not your fault

If your angel falls

ill help you pick it up

ill help you pick it up

 

ill build you back up again

ill show you your reflection

if you're hurting ill make you bloom again

you lady hang the moon

one day ill provide for you

 

 

when you've cut the cries

of all you forgot

you do your best

people stifle you

people scratch your eyes

and move far away

and move far away

 

then when you face the world alone

i face it with you

I stand for you

20 hours away

 

 

I know your type

 i see cry

i need to hold you

it's gonna be alright

i know your type

 

your leaking veins

your subtle strengths

need a glass case

I know your name

Burried Horror show

Tune me in if you want revenge

I'm your pain your mess and it’s festering

When you strain a face that is fake for them

They still will spit and mock you

What's your name who are you?

I'm tryin to get through to you

I'll never leave I'll never leave

I'll never leave leave you again

Don't ever leave don't ever leave

Don't ever leave leave me again

My horror show

Stay aware when the mirror screams

It's your power gone sour pathology

And they all downplay this gravity

Of a girl that you’re avoiding

 

Look at me

I'm all you'll ever have

How could you do this

To you're buried horror show

 

You farm a prick they were to us back in the day

Could been great but you threw it away

I was abandoned when you were in a panic

And we landed in the lines of fire

 

 

 

Save the Jovian

Jovian

Lost in my terrain

I'm not done yet

Immersed in fruitful frequencies

Stop interrupting me

Solitude is key

Its what saved me

Concentration protects me

Kindred freaks I Read

Help me remember me

Break away break away today

Today we save the jovian

Why do I gotta convince you

I'm confused?

Inside my face I’m facing

A panic escaping my frozen chest

I'm not wrong for isolating me

For this long

To write out a million secrets

Find what's bolded

What deserves to be told

Inverted forest

Im safe and sound

In a free world alone

Strangely preoccupied

Captain Hunchback

 

My thoughts are racing

And I’m nauseous

Strobe exit sign

The thunder cracks

It got so quiet

Followed by a wave

Of terrifying truth

Of where I stand today

Aint nothing like I’ve been imagining

Seroquel dreams

I lost track of my thinking

while we were laughing with the TV

Victory, my voice is tripling

VIcotry, slam the door violently

Victory, hands are trembling

Victory, damn where was I?

The leaves will inch

Their way towards me

In jagged little rush

I’m a softie sucked in

A reject on the run

Through crowds of rotten tongues

In simulated fun

I can’t bare to celebrate

Anymore before I found my cause for living

I've been here before

Over and over

No connection

I need connection

Behind the bars and through the parties  

Is a universe

Behind the laughing gasoline

Is a suicidal surge

Thinking’s in Peru

Torso in Quebec

I’m outta step and in doubt I know

But I’ll grab my silhouette

Everyone's vomiting

 

 

I'm Tapped Out

I’ve been listening

And explaining

You want to be understood

What you need’s understanding

 

I gave you

A hard bed

To lay on as you scream at me

No one’s home to hear me

You’ll never hear who I am

 

Well I’m tapped out

I’m tapped out

I’ve given up

I’ve given up on you

Well I told you

Well I told you so

We’re shaken up

We’re shaken up

We’re shattered

 

Im a dead bird

All tangled up

In your thorns you call your love

I can’t escape what from what you can’t face

 

These resentments

Don’t go away

They’re your bombs when my erasure drops

They’re the canes you stab me with

The canes that keep us fake at bay  

  

 

You cry with glass shoes

Shattered by the brutes you knew

You cry it wasn’t you

Who used me to meet your needs

It’s killing me that I’ve confirmed

Your worst dread of being left

Bonds break, it’s for the best  

I put an end to our limping dance of death

 

Art of Relax

I keep on obsessing 

I know I'm crazy

I don't understand everything

no rush and that's okay  

 

I keep getting vertigo 

Blurry black outs 

Not as ashamed now

When I let these people down 

Please remember

I'm just tryin' to breathe

In the art of relax

My fears been killin me 

 

Every composure 

Out of disorder 

I see through the lenses 

I had when I was ten 

 

The world is an oyster

The days are longer

I notice the details 

Like the gum stuck on the chair 

No one can see me  

I'm just tryin' to hide 

My body is crackin 

Crackin wide open 

Restoring sensations

I had back in the day

Got no one who feels this way

But I’ll wait a while

Just wanna little reprieve 

I'm underprepared 

But I've come so far 

In the art of relax 

Man In the Open Sea

Like a hawk outta hell I hit the hills

Finding my joy away from the ghost race

Through the voices and falls that dissuade me

Flying hard and fast to a new day

 

Out of sync with the clicks I landed in

I’m not a prop to give them attention

Everybody’s attention is spread too thin

I made a plan I’ll make it happen

 

Man in the open sea

What a relief im going with both wings

Tired of nothing happening

Go all out there’s nothin else

If I wanna be who I could have been

I can’t afford to waste a minute

 

Spinning up with a wilson from cast away

Some kinda form to advise and hate

It’s the chaos and violence in my chest

Dragging me to and from destination

 

It’s what listens to thoughts as they are coming out

Trusting what’s struck for me strikes a note in you

My excitement derives from a lucky hand

Broke as a dog but home’s where the heart is

 

 

Inventor's Interlude

Took me under your wing

Don’t know where I’d be

You're my best friend

You listened

You saved me from bad dreams

 

Said you need to slow down

Can’t learn it all now 

You were always reminding me 

Of who I was becoming 

Copied your steady speech

For lost dignity 

You had your own dial 

You're own style 

An air of grace

No matter if they hailed you

You left, disconnected 

You’re an inventor

You saved me from bad dreams

 

A diet of the greatest minds

Chicken soup for the soul

Keep expanding inside 

You saved me from bad dreams

 

 

Waltz of a Manic Clown

I’m a manic clown

A lonely clown

A puffy clown

All for you

 

My stage is your laughter

I flatter

An opera in blue

 

I lie through my teeth

And spill a drink

On my dress for you

If you desire

Chandelier praises will always be mine

What we do to feel loved

 

“Am I funny?! Am I really funny?!”

“you wanna know why ill tell ya why Ill tell ya why”

 

I run into walls with bloody falls

Blowing kisses

Dead man praises will always be mine

What we do to feel loved

 

The walls are whispering watching

Exactly which flaws do they hate the most?

What to say? What to say? Did I say something wrong?

Why did she turn away?

Ranting but nothing responds

Frenzied insane machines

Ah but what the hell who the hell has the time to really pause?

Rev me up with a drink!

 

Im a manic clown

A lonely clown

A puffy clown all for you

My state is your laughter and banter

An opera in blue

 

Limp to my porn defeat

To sadly see some empty techniques of a sweetheart

Stunning my psyche again and again

What we do to feel loved 

I'm Not a Mute

I'm not a mute 

I'm just a string of shells 

I'm no mute 

Just used to speak too soon 

Keep your talk 

It's you vermin I hate 

Keep your shrieks 

I'm all ears to myself 

Lost my voice stop rushing me 

There are strangers in the mirror 

Give me some time to we're em on a coat 

Leave me be 

Walkin the walk 

Watching with movie screen eyes 

The trance is mine 

I'm the only spectator here 

Traumatized 

But it'll never be as bad as it was before 

My turrets will confess you away 

Conversations with me and I 

And every voice that hides in the night 

A terrifying state of mind 

In schizophrenic times! 

Idle Snow

Now i think i finally see 

What comes of postponing me 

Too long I've put off where I stand 

Now you're gone cause I'm not home 

Think of All the years i have wasted 

Fell with others and their wishes

Wiped away my views and feelings 

While i halfway watched in passing

So long, so you're leaving       

                  

Sinking

You're leaving

Got lost in idle snow 

 

I painted a rosy picture

In my mind at arms length 

Did just enough to try and please you

Enough for you to cheat a careless 

 

Stunted numb unreachable 

I can't engage 

Can't be consoled

What happened all the years i cut 

the cries of all that I've forgotten? 

So long, so you're leaving

 

Sinking 

You're leaving 

Got lost in idle snow

 

 

Not Havin' a Blast

REV UP

GET UP

YOU’RE FINE

GET OVER WHAT YOU CRY FOR

 

PROGRAMMED CLEVERNESS

RECORDED WIT

QUICK STIMULUS

REACT AUTOMATIC

 

HYSTERICAL TWITCHING

AMYGDALA FIDGETING

GO GO AT OUR PACE

GO RIGHT ON CUE

 

RAISE YOUR SLUGGISH FLESH

DANGLE IT ON PRESCRIPTIONS

 

THE LIKES ARE YOUR OXYGEN

BURNING OUT WHEN

CONCERNED WHAT WE THINK OF YOU

BUT THEY RARELY DO

 

CANT PLEASE EVERYONE

IN A SHUFFLE OF SCENES

CONVINCE US QUICKLY

I AM PROCESSING

ONCOMING CRASH

NOT HAVIN A BLAST

NOT HAVIN A BLAST

NOT HAVIN A BALST

ITS ALL TOO FAST

 

STUFF GOLEMN BACK INSIDE

HIDE HIM FOR ANOTHER 

Genie

This life

I’m leading

I’d never the fire die within me

High desires

Will always magnetize

The life we need

Make my destiny

What do you see?

It’s your motivation

 

This life

I’m leading

Sculpting wings with quiet choices

Catching thoughts

That leapfrog across

The lives we lead

Make a destiny

 

Turn your anguish

Into silver

You were born to fall

To the Sun

Genie you said to me

When crushed and broken

Runaway

So I fell up

And stayed awake

 

This life

I’m leading

Pieces fall in unity

My intentions

Very well attract

The life I lead

Make my destiny

What your heart dreams

Makes your destiny

Attention stays

Sustained I aim in secret

Embrace the Jovian

The ads are laying eggs of delusion

In a jet speed nervous collison

Find the nearest bomb shelter

Misfiring machines staggering towards you

 

Did you try to laugh with gangrene?

Solitudes a newfound virtue

In the nearest bombshelter

Kindred souls and ghosts were always waiting

 

Break away break away today

Today I saved the jovian

Hide away hide away today

Today I saved the jovian

 

Reachin for a lighted staircase

In a twisting earthling airwave

Wheres the nearest bomb shelter

I volunteer to wear a queer straight jacket

 

Stimulation froze some brains up

The inner life was all dried up then

I found the nearest bomb shelter

May the rare and cursed preserve everything that they are

 

Safe and sound

In a free world alone

Strangely preoccupied 

Pendulum Swings(The Beast)

Been cheated

Depleted

My terms are my own

Mine alone

 

My death is just around the corner

With the bitter fate

Of a loner

 

I will not make peace with vermin

Worms reflect all of my vices

 

Theres no one here to see me

There never really was

Oh here and then I’m far away

So I swiftly turn my back

May never look back

Ill be travelling where I want to

 

I relish

Youre disgust

Of my my mutation I am ugly

 

You’ve pressed my eyelieds to blink like you

You stagnate but I got away

 

My kinds from ancient roam

Suffering visions on fire

 

 

El Mago Mysterio

Who are you what is your name?

Stand straight for dignity sake 

You’re lost in broadcasting waves 

Self-deprecating ways 
Can’t sweep this under the rug 
You clown we could have been great 
Don't throw it away

 

The jokes are done away with 
Tune me in for a quick 
A quick minute two 
Tryin to get through to you 
The scientist went unused 
Hunchback we could have been great 

But you threw it away

Let’s validate you’re worth 
Potential value on earth 
Let’s cultivate every vein 
And every gem in your brain

 

We’re not indebted to give 
Our time to beggars of clicks 
They’re hangin on all your gifts 
And giving nothing at all

 

I am the last living friend 
The witness in your head 
All your sisters are sick 
All your brothers are dead

 

To start is half the fight 
We’ve done nothing wrong 
Until the day that we die 
This is our song

 

Slow down my friend slow down 
The hell with the world 
Lift all the guilt off your little shoulders

 

 

Speak up now what do you need? 
We’re in dialogue 
Tell me where do you stand 
All the desires and plans 
The situation at hand 
Hunchback we could be great 
Don’t throw it away